The last time I saw you was before I sat for the final college examination, that was when your class was switched to a different place and I have no idea you would be there, so when you appeared in front of me, I chose to run from you. I admit that I became weak and out of words to say whenever I face you, eye to eye. Your eyes alone is enough to stun me in my place and in your eyes alone, I once fell deeply.
The last time we communicated with each other was when I replied to one of your story, when you posted a video of a cat you found cute, which I also thought was cute. At that time, I was hoping for nothing but maybe, a chance that if I can’t have you, at least, fate allow the both of us to be good friends, but what did I expect? You are you, the same dry and unpredictable you. I shouldn’t put a high expectation on receiving warming replies back from you.
I knew, all the consequences and the possible hurtful outcomes that I will face when I decided to pursue you, I knew. That is why I told myself, I will try to take every actions of yours to me with a grain of salt, but despite how careful I am, why do I still feel the pain aching in me, why do I still get rain poured on me when I have brought an umbrella along the journey?
In my life story, you were written beautifully in one packed whole long chapter, but today, I realized that in your book of life, I was merely a sentence. I couldn’t even bring myself to agree whether it’s a full sentence or just a hanging one, left without you writing it all out. Every little interactions I have with you, from the first time we made eyecontacts to the very last time we spoke to one another, I cherished deeply. I was very happy when you decided to be friends with me, I was very thrilled when you replied to me sweetly and I was very pleased when you wanted to keep me and you in pictures. I remember your voice, the way you looked at me and smiled simply, I remember everything.
I remember the first time we took a picture together, I was hoping you would remember me after that but you apologized because you said you couldn’t even see my face at that time. I waited for you to text me back after you finished that mathematics test we supposed to do together, but you never did. I spent my whole hour doing it, you were a bright kid and I looked up to how genius you are, I even bragged about it to all my friends, so when you asked me if we could do something to study together, I was so excited to be teach by you, but I ended up doing the test all night alone and never get anything back from you.
I waited two days just to confirm on the day you were leaving our college, just so I know if there is enough time for us to meet, at least for one last time, but you replied to me just with a simple sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to hate you, so I chose to forgive, again. You were the first one who asked me if we can meet briefly for the sake of a last picture together, but whenever I implied on meeting you, you avoided me. You pulled me in, but when I got too close, you pushed me back and acted like I was too demanding of you. You opened the door but you treated me like I am a robber who got in without the permission of yours.
Eversince that, I realized I mean absolutely nothing to you, while you were everything to me. Today, we walked passed by each other as if we never crossed path with each other, as if everything that is shared between us, was nothing but your short pit-stops. I get it, though. To me, you are the only boy who were special at that moment, you have everything that I looked for in a guy. To you, I am one of the girls constantly wanting your attentions. It took awhile but at last, you can’t never be change, if I forced myself to stay, I will always be like this, loving you one-sided and lonely, I will always be the one who love sincerely but will continue and remain to be left and unseen by you, because to you, I am not even your option.
I told myself I have moved on from you, yes I surely have. Still, when you appeared in front of me after a long time of not seeing and talking to you, I froze. As always, I avoided you, in all situations involving you and me, I will definitely ended up running, but as expected too, you don’t even bother to look at me but there I was, continuously peeking if you perhaps notice that I was there.
However if someone were to ask me, if I should never ask for your number that night, if I will turn back time and not fall for you, I will say that I never regret the chances that I took when I was pursuing you, I will always remember and will keep it well even if you don’t. I sincerely wish you do best in every aspects of life, for you are perfect, just not as someone to love. Just so you know, you were once loved wholeheartedly by me. Even if I am just a few words sentence in your story, even if I am just a wind passing in your area. Even if I don’t have a place in your life, even if I am a nobody to you.
For I treasure everything that I once loved, even if my existence is never appreciated nor seen by it.
To a “prinze”,
writen by C,
06032024.
