I guess maybe because it all happened too fast, too quick, too sudden, too weird.
First and foremost, I would like to say sorry. Sorry for ruining the opportunity you think we had of creating a good friendship bond between us by accidentally doing that thing. Sorry for constantly trying to make you look at me when you clearly already have your favourite prettier view to look at. Sorry for hoping that we could at least be something more than friends, but instead we ended up in a place where both, me and you, didn’t know what to label our bond as.
Just for you to note,
I didn’t mean to indirectly told you all that. I didn’t mean for you to know that I have a small tiny crush on you, I just wanted to know you better. But oh well, life took a huge turn. It went far off the plans I had in my mind to get close to you.
I was mad at the universe, but mostly, I was actually just purely angry at myself. I know I shouldn’t blame anyone but me. It’s the consequences of my own actions. Whatever decision I make, it will eventually haunts me back. I wish it comes in a good way but it always, always leads me to a bad path. I should’ve know better, after all the things I have done before. Maybe you could say I was just dumb to think that maybe things will work out for me the way I wanted to when I should’ve known that it never will.
There’s bittersweet in that tragedy, actually.
Half of me is angry at myself for doing that, but half of me is grateful. For if I have not did that, I would’ve never known you already have someone in your heart.
The day I found out, you said sorry. I didn’t reply. I actually don’t know if you really mean your apologies to me. It’s not my fault to think that I stand a chance when you treated me so special, but oh well, love can leave you dumbfounded. I avoided you for awhile, until I finally got the courage to see you again.
You and I, went through our daily life, never talking about that situation again. I know it seems normal but we both know something in the air between us have absolutely changed. There’s awkwardness lingers between us but you always tried to clear the air.
I don’t get you sometimes. I know you clearly know I had feelings for you, and you toyed my precious feelings with your behaviours. One moment, we were okay with each other. You made jokes for me, I laughed about it. We argued jokingly, we asked about each other. I thought we were finally doing okay, that we were finally alright with being close just as friends.
Then, you crushed my hope instantly the next day. You acted like nothing happened between us, turning into your cold unknown behaviours again. Left me confused, do you really mean it? Do you really want to be friends?
The next day, we are friends again. Tomorrow, you treated me like shit. Next week, we laughed at each other. The next weekend, you stopped talking to me again.
The tiring cycle repeated again, again, again, and again.
I managed to let go of the little crush I had on you. I managed to hold on to the bare minimum of whatever you called our connection is. I fell deeply in love with someone new, someone perhaps a lot better than you in every aspects. I made it clear to everyone, the same way you told them you had a girl of your own too.
You clearly know about my feelings for him. Then, why? Why would you treat me so different again? Why do I still look at you with a weird feelings in my guts? Why can’t I look at you in the eye, like I did with everyone else?
I questioned myself. Is it because you and I are so similar? Is it because of your sparkly eyes? Or your warming welcome smiles? Or your contagious laugh? Or the way you speak your mind, make your jokes, lend a hand? Or your hair, your smell, your figures?
To be honest, if you ask me this exact question now, what do I see in him? I will still have no answer, because I truly have no idea.
All I know at that moment is before our journey ends, I want to make our friendship clear, to be closer to you. But as time passed by, what we had between us became more unclear. There were blurred lines drawn between us. You and your push and pulls game, me with my give and take behaviour.
I eventually gave up. I let fate did its job. Whatever happens, happens.
A moment of realization came.
The moment you brought her to our picnic, the moment I sat alone listening to songs while Oceans & Engines by Niki was playing through the speaker of one of your bestfriend. No, I wasn’t the one choosing the song, but it played at the right moment, when I was admiring the sea. I was thinking about another person at that time, honestly. But my gaze shifted when I saw you and her playing volleyball, with a random kid at the beach. I realized, you are at a different level of happiness when you’re with her. I then made peace with myself, told my inner thoughts that she can finally rest now. You never want anything from me, I should stop seeking for something I know you don’t want to have with me.
What I had with you was bittersweet.
The bitter from the way you acted towards me.
The sweet from the way you treated me.
I’m glad that we never talk about it.
I’m also mad on why we never talk about it.
A verse from my favourite song, Cool About It by boygenius, I will always dedicate to you. For it captures every feeling and everything I did for you, for us.
“But we don’t have to talk about it,
I can walk you home and practice method acting,
I’ll pretend being with you doesn’t feel like drowning,
Tellin’ you it’s nice to see how good you’re doing
Even though we know it isn’t true”
You were the only one who were cool with the situation, I was the only one who have to act. Act like everything is okay, act like you didn’t make me feel something.
You were swimming freely while I was barely catching enough air to not drown completely.
As for now,
Some things are better left unanswered.
To move on, we don’t always need closure.
If you ever wonder, if I ever cross your mind, if one day you finally reconsider about our actions, your actions. I don’t hate you, I will never do that.
You were a beautiful hurtful lesson I learned.
What we shared, I will treasure it.
What you helped, I will remember it.
What I once loved, I will keep it.
Deep in my mind, deep in my heart.
I’m grateful our paths crossed, but I don’t want to see you on the same road again.
This is my last unspoken thoughts for you that may or may not sounds well.
Goodluck, this is my farewell.
written by C.
29082023.
