Everyday that I live, I continuously fight with the inner voices in my head. They are raging and hard to control, just when I thought that I finally get to win the battle with my own thoughts, the voices will resurface again, again and again. As time flies by so quick, everything around me moves unusually faster the moment I am no longer a high school student anymore. Just like how fast the world revolves, the voices in my head, too, are getting louder.
I live in a very chaotic state of mind, I have to adapt to the new things that is happening and changing all around me, while at the same time dealing with all those voices in my head, telling me things that I don’t want to hear about. Whenever I feel like I am ready and confident enough to face all the challenges that I stumbled upon growing up, the thoughts in my head will eat my confidence and I will end up not doing anything other than rotting in my bed, trying to make the inner voices run away.
There are a lot of things that I have to accept and handle in my life, eventually, I became too tired to fight the continuous words and sentences, popping in my mind. You could say, at one point, I was one with the thoughts. I gave up. Until I met you. J, I have tried multiple ways and hold onto several things just to help me win the battle in my small yet very loud head. You are one of the only few, that gave me the right thing to control the voices, because in between all those people that comes in my life bringing unnecessary chaos to a pile of mess that is myself, you provide me a kind of peace, I never know could possibly exist.
J, you and I, are two world aparts. They said to never love a famous person and hold them close to your heart because what you see on cameras and on the Internet, is not the same as what they act in real life, but, J, if life give me a chance to be born into a world where you and I, exist in the same timeline, just as someone who are close to one another, I would love to just stroll down the city and eat icecream with you.
The feeling of having you close, even if you are just an idol who are probably just doing your job, is like eating icecream on every sad occasion, hearing the sound of sea waves at night where its pitch black and riding a car to nowhere at midnight. The feeling of holding onto you brings serenity, I never know could help me tone down the voices existing and fighting in my head.
You exist as a reminder that I can take a break from reality and just stay all day in my bed, without having to worry that I might get left behind. You help me to shut the voices in this mind, telling me all those things I suppressed every night before going to bed. You teach me how to breathe in a world where I find it hard to grasp for an air amongst all the other living things who seem to progressed freely without having to listen to the continuous demons in their head, saying I am not worthy of living.
So, on your 24th birthday, I genuinely hope and pray that as much peace as you brought into my life, you find peace for your own busy life too. It’s not easy to live your life, and I know that despite I need you to help me breathe longer, I won’t ask you to live longer. Live your life the way you want, the way you are capable to live it. J, I know that there are a lot of things you don’t speak about because just like me, you tend to let the feelings kill you before it could kill others. I sincerely pray you heal from all the negative things you don’t or will never talk about.
Happy birthday, J, you will forever be the place I’d run to, to seek for my inner serenity.
For Jeno Lee,
written by C.
23042024.
